


The Missteps of Evolution

by RenjiFan (NotSoLittleLight)



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Early Work, Heavy Angst, M/M, Minor Jensen Ackles/Danneel Harris, Mutual Pining, Pining, Timeline Fic, minor jared padalecki/sandy, seasons 1-4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 11:35:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14568174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotSoLittleLight/pseuds/RenjiFan
Summary: Things with Jensen have always been a little... complicated.





	The Missteps of Evolution

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on LJ on Dec. 13th, 2008.

_Prologue_

 

Things with Jensen have always been a bit… complicated. Jared remembers the day they met more vividly than any other day of his life, the feel of Jensen’s hand in his as they shook for the first time, the heat that almost burned him from the inside out when their eyes met and Jensen smiled. “Nice to meet ya, man,” he’d said and Jared could only force his lips to reply after a moment of complete and utter shock at how absolutely  _stunning_  the man before him was.

 

It was that day that everything in Jared’s world shifted, things sliding and slanting until, only a year later,  _everything_  pointed toward his co-star, the man who would become his best friend.

 

~*~

 

_Filming of Supernatural – Season Two_

 

They’re filming  _Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things_  the first time Jared realizes that his feelings for his co-star may not be wholly encompassed by the word  _friend_. Taking off after Jensen, past the bright lights shining over their marks for the final scene, his hand touches down on Jensen’s shoulder without hesitation. But when those green eyes turn to him, the lingering anguish of the scene darkening them to an almost emerald hue, Jared finds himself short of breath, unable to think past the urge to pull Jensen closer and give him whatever comfort he can.

 

He knows it crosses the line, knows it’s not his place, so he steels himself instead, forcing a small smile and nodding. “Good scene, man,” he says and Jensen blinks twice, quickly, lashes wet and dark against his pale face.

 

“Thanks,” he whispers.

 

Jared doesn’t say anything more, but when Jensen leans toward him, into him, he wraps his arm more solidly around his shoulder and breathes out the cold Vancouver air, watching as it clouds around them and disappears.

 

~*~

 

It doesn’t occur to him at the time, what it means when Jensen starts snapping off at him during filming of  _Heart_. It doesn’t occur to him, at that moment, why he steps up in Jensen’s face and calls him an arrogant prick, voice booming through the set, crew and extras stock still from shock around them.

 

When Jensen meets him halfway, pushing into Jared’s space and shouts back, Jared feels his blood boil with a frustration that’s been growing for weeks and weeks, but then Jensen is backing off, imitating the crew’s reaction to Jared’s “temper tantrum.” His fists clench at his sides and he breathes deeply through his nose as he watches his co-star, hears the sarcasm dripping from his words and before he knows it, he’s turning on his heel, storming toward his trailer in righteous anger.

 

He hides away, turns on his iPod deck and falls onto the couch, anger pulsing through his blood more and more faintly as time ticks by. He feels his stomach drop as he realizes how far back this whole thing really goes when he realizes that Jensen is acting very similarly to how Jared  _felt_  during the filming of  _Route 666_.

 

He remembers how unjustifiably upset he was at Jensen after his scenes with “Cassie,” how frustrated he felt at  _himself_. He remembers how confused and anxious he was, how lost he felt until he and Jensen went out together, alone, that weekend for beer and darts. He didn’t understand what that feeling was then, almost a year ago and so fleeting compared to what he’s feeling now, but sitting alone, everything starts making so much more sense.

 

He buries his face in his hands as he thinks, wonders if it’s the same for Jensen, if he’s not alone in his frustrations, his confusion. He wonders if Jensen is just as scared as he is about where this is going.

 

When Jensen knocks on his trailer door, two hours have passed since their argument on set and Jared calls for him to come in without bothering to get up from the couch. When he sees Jensen’s face, sees the flush on the highs of his cheeks, the tips of his ears, sees the regret and longing and fear in his wide eyes, he knows all he needs to know.

 

“I’m sorry,” Jensen says quietly, head bowing to stare at the floor between them.

 

“Jen…” Jared stands, steps toward him, but Jensen stops him. He’s biting his lip so hard it looks painful, hand held out and pressed against Jared’s chest to prevent him from coming closer, eyes still focused on the floor.

 

“We… Jay,” he looks up, eyes hooded with a sadness too much like the one swimming in Jared’s heart and shakes his head, his nose flaring slightly as his lips purse, gathering his resolve. “We can’t do this,” he says and Jared feels the words like a brand on his skin.

 

Jared understands.  _God_ , he understands so well. Their careers, their families, their reputations and friends…

 

“I know,” he finally replies, and he puts his hand over Jensen’s on his chest, fingers tightening over them in a squeeze that feels more like good-bye than any comfort he wanted to give. “I’m sorry, too.”

 

~*~

 

_Filming of Supernatural Season Two Finale_

 

“No…” Jared fights against the urge to do something,  _anything_  to make this stop as he feels the warmth of Jensen’s tears soak through Sam’s bloodied shirt. He forces himself to remain still against the slight tremors, the pain in Jensen’s voice pulling the knot in his stomach tighter and tighter as they film the final scene of the night, the scene of Sam’s death.

 

The hands clutching at him are desperate, disbelieving and Jared can picture Jensen’s face behind his closed lids, can see the torment in his eyes, the trails his tears leave as they fall.

 

Before the director can even finish calling “cut,” Jared springs up, arms wrapping instinctively and protectively around his co-star, his best friend. He can feel the tremors more thoroughly now, can feel the way Jensen’s body is shivering, tensing against him at the contact before sagging forward completely, his forehead falling to rest on Jared’s strong shoulder, hand coming to clench tightly in Jared’s shirt as he fights for control.

 

Jared catches the director’s eye and within a minute, the crew is nowhere to be seen. The two of them are left alone, left for Jared to help Jensen, to help him pick up the pieces of Dean’s broken heart. “Jen, it’s okay. We’re alone now. Just… it’s okay, man.”

 

A violent shiver travels the length of Jensen’s spine and suddenly he’s sobbing, knees walking him closer and closer as he tries to bury himself in Jared’s skin. “Jay… fuck…” The words are choked and pained and each cut-off sound tears at Jared’s insides. He wraps Jensen tighter, paying no mind to the increasing fall of rain around them.

 

“I’m here, Jen,” he says soothingly as he spreads his palm over the plane of Jensen’s back, rubbing lightly over the worn leather of Dean’s jacket. Jensen always pushes so hard,  _too_  hard sometimes, and Jared’s frightened, doesn’t know what to do other than smooth his hand back and forth, mutter nonsense as Jensen clings to him, sobbing forcefully, body shaking with grief. He doesn’t know what to do to pull him back, bring Jensen back and make Dean step away. He doesn’t know…

 

“It was you,” Jensen sobs, voice muffled as he grinds his face into Jared’s shoulder,  _too_  hard, as if he can wipe away the tears if he just presses hard enough. Jared kind of wishes he could.

 

The world seems to go silent around them, as if they’re the only two that exist, sitting and holding each other in the rain and the mud, everything stopping as Jensen pulls away slightly, eyes rising to Jared’s face. They’re swollen and red, tears falling and becoming lost in the rain trailing down his flushed cheeks. His hand raises to Jared’s cheek slowly, thumb brushing tenderly across the pronounced bone as Jensen lets out a shuddering breath. “I… I thought… If it was you…”

 

Jared can feel his heart breaking as Jensen moves closer, lips warm and wet, pressing against his, both hands now clinging desperately in Jared’s shirt. Jensen whimpers, a tortured and dying sound that Jared understands all too well when he brings his hands up to frame Jensen’s face.

 

Then Jensen is pulling away, his labored breath ghosting over Jared’s mouth as he closes his eyes tightly. “I love you,” he whispers, resting his forehead against Jared’s chin, the confession so quiet and yet so loud in the stillness around them.

 

He can’t stop the fall of his own tears as he nods slowly, the truth so beautiful and so breaking at the same time. “Me, too.”

 

They sit there, both shivering but unable to let go of the moment, too lost in each other, too lost in the feelings inside and between them. But then Jared feels his breath catch and burn when Jensen kisses the side of his jaw, his voice broken as he speaks, “I know.”

 

The words are said with confidence and a finality that Jared can’t escape and he closes his eyes against the burn, lets it take him over as he feels Jensen pull away and stand, leaving him alone in the rain, listening to the sound of the world as it regains its momentum around him.

 

~*~

 

_Summer 2007 Hiatus_

  
When they break for hiatus, their goodbyes are short and to the point, a small hug and a “See ya soon,” and then Jared’s on a plane to L.A. He tries not to think about it too much, but the utter lack of  _Jensen_  has him going crazy. He’s so used to turning and Jensen being there, so used to his presence and his opinions, his voice…

 

He tries to call him six times, each time the call sent to voice mail, never returned. It hurts but Jared realizes Jensen is trying to do what is best for them both, trying to be strong and give them the space they need to come to terms with whatever it is going on between them.

 

It doesn’t stop Jared’s fingers from twitching over the button of his cell phone, Jensen’s name queued to call, over a dozen times in as many days. It doesn’t stop Sandy’s questioning about “What’s wrong?” It doesn’t stop Jared from the empty feeling in the pit of his stomach every time he sees  _anything_  that remotely reminds him of the one person he isn’t supposed to care  _this_  much for.

 

When  _A Few Good Men_  premieres, Jared is in the audience on the second night. He knows he shouldn’t be here, should stay away for  _both_  of them, but he can’t resist, can’t stop himself from begging Sandy to go with him.

 

He leads the standing ovation and when Jensen steps out from behind stage, naval officer costume still donned to immaculate perfection, Jared’s heart swells at the smile he sees on his best friend’s face.

 

“You were amazing,” he says, shaking Jensen’s hand before pulling him into a hug.

 

Jensen laughs at the sudden embrace and pats Jared’s back before rubbing the spot only briefly. “It’s good to see you, man,” he tells him softly and Jared can hear the wonder in his voice, the unspoken  _I missed you_  laced in the words.

 

“You, too.”

~*~

 

Jensen answers the phone after that, and things feel like they’re getting better, back to the place they were before the two of them stepped onto the emotional rollercoaster they’ve found themselves on.

 

They are in L.A. for Jared’s twenty-fifth birthday and Jared gets entirely too drunk. He’s surprised they don’t get in another bar brawl after the way he mouthed off to the bouncer at the club, surprised he doesn’t say or  _do_  something to make things worse with him and Jensen. He can’t really remember anything after getting kicked out of the club but he figures he was able to contain himself when he wakes up in the morning, hung-over and praying for a peaceful death, finding a glass of water and two Tylenol sitting on his nightstand.

 

Jensen is still snoring on his couch when he finally emerges; an old Texas State blanket his brother gave him when he was a kid tangled around his friend’s bowed legs. Jared snorts at the odd angle of limbs and wonders why Jensen stayed, if he’d been  _that_  drunk, or if Jensen had been.

 

He shakes his head and figures as long as things are still good with them, it really doesn’t matter. They’re  _good_  and they’re going to stay that way and the best way to ensure that is a good ol’ fashioned Texas breakfast.

 

When Jensen walks into the kitchen, glasses hanging precariously from his nose, Jared hands him a cup of coffee as he turns the bacon. Jensen says nothing, simply smiles at him over the rim of the mug, grateful and still half-asleep and something in Jared’s chest aches at the thought that this is all they’ll ever be allowed to have.

 

~*~

 

They get into filming Season Three and the dramatic intensity of the scenes is taking its toll on both of them. Jared takes to working with a new acting coach, spending most of his off-screen time with him to work Sam’s solo scenes, trying to achieve a level of greatness that will enhance Dean’s breakdown over the season.

 

He doesn’t give it much thought that all of his dedication into improving is simply so that Jensen’s character will be better portrayed and if the thought slips into his mind, he pushes it out quickly, burying himself in scripts and coaching sessions until his mind can concentrate on nothing else.

 

He and Jensen are better than okay again, both of them seeming to be on the same page about concentrating solely on the acting of this season, both determined to churn out the best performances they can.

 

Jared takes a break from shooting to take Sandy to the Teen Choice Awards and he’s happy, truly happy. He has Jensen, his best friend and Sandy, a girlfriend who loves him dearly despite his moments of absolute insanity. His career is taking off and his popularity is increasing among the fans and his and Jensen’s families have worked out a way to spend not just Thanksgiving, but also Christmas together.

 

Things are  _good_.

 

But then, the writer’s go on strike and production is at a stand-still.

 

~*~

 

_January 2008_

 

They’re at Jared’s new house in Vancouver when the news comes that the writer’s still have not elected to return, their demands still not met. They’ve missed out on weeks of filming and Jared’s anxious and twitching nervously as Jensen comes into the living room with another round of beers.

 

“Man, chill out,” Jensen says lightly as he passes him the cold bottle, lips tilted in a small smile as he glances at Jared’s rapidly bouncing knee. “Give it another two weeks. We’ll be back.”

 

“How can you just be so cool about it?” Jared asks and he’s sincerely curious, doesn’t understand how Jensen can be so calm and collected when their careers are at stake, the more time passing meaning that much more of a chance they won’t be renewed for another season.

 

Jensen shrugs, takes a pull from his beer. “There’s nothing we can do about it from here, Jay,” he says, arm reaching to lie across the back of the couch as he reclines. “We’re just the actors. Got no say in business like this.”

 

Jared shakes his head at that. It’s unfair, how much of their lives depend on this strike being resolved. He doesn’t like that Jensen is so nonchalant, like it doesn’t matter if they get to finish out the season, or get renewed.

 

Jared’s chest seizes up at the thought and he forces himself to breathe normally as he runs it back over in his head. Once, twice, three times and the idea that Jensen doesn’t  _care_  if they get renewed, if they get to stay together, it hurts.

 

“Jen,” he starts, eyes focusing on a picture of him and his sister hung beside his TV as he figures out how to ask the question suddenly burning on the tip of his tongue. “What will we do? Ya know, me ‘n you. After  _Supernatural_?”

 

Jensen’s lips purse outward as he stares at the ceiling for a moment, face thoughtful. “Guess we just go back to the way things were before,” he says, head falling to the side to glance over at Jared. “Ya know, just a couple of regular guys.”

 

Jared swallows, eyes darting back to the general area of the TV as he processes the words. They sting, like a bite from an over-eager puppy. He knows Jensen doesn’t mean them to, but the fact that he’s telling Jared the  _truth_ , that things will simply revert back to how they were before they met, before the show, it stings with a hurt that only the truth can. Nothing will change, and they’ll move on.

 

“Yea…” he sighs, finally resigning himself to the fact that not only will he eventually lose  _Supernatural_ , he’ll eventually lose Jensen, too.

 

~*~

 

He proposes to Sandy a week later in a quiet restaurant in Paris. Her eyes light up with unadulterated joy when she cries, the word “Yes” spilling from her trembling lips as she holds her shaking hand out for him to slip the ring on. He kisses her, closes his eyes and prays he’s doing the right thing, prays that this will fix him.

 

~*~

_March 1 st, 2008 – Jensen’s 30th Birthday Party_

 

“I need more Jameson!” Jensen shouts in a sing-song voice from his place on the kitchen counter, grin stretching from ear to ear as he kicks the cabinets with the heels of his feet like the six-year old Jared teases him to be.

 

“Birthday boy, I think you may have had enough,” Danneel laughs, a hand falling to rest on his chest and Jensen smiles brilliantly at her, brings a hand up to cup her cheek.

 

“You can never have enough Jameson,” he says, and Jared thinks he may be trying to whisper, but it’s not working out so well with the half a bottle of Tequila and four shots of Jameson already coursing in his co-star’s veins. He watches bemusedly as Danneel giggles, Jensen rubbing his nose against hers in a perverted version of an Eskimo kiss, tongue swiping across her lips with every pass.

 

Jared’s propped up against the side of the fridge, bottle of Jameson hidden behind his back. He’s had it hidden for over twenty minutes now and Jensen’s tantrum was just getting interesting when Danneel reemerged from the living room, on a search for more wine for the female guests of Jensen’s birthday party.

 

“Smell so good,” Jensen murmurs as he buries his nose in Danneel’s hair, dark brown this week, and Jared swallows instinctively at the rush of jealousy in his stomach. He looks away, schooling his features into a passive expression. He doesn’t enjoy this, and he doubts he’s ever made Jensen sit and watch as he literally tongue-fucked Sandy with him in the room, but Jensen is well past drunk and it’s his birthday and if Jared has to suffer just a little bit, so be it. He can deal.

 

At least he thinks he can until he hears a soft moan come from the couple across from him and his eyes glance briefly in their direction without conscious thought.

 

Jensen’s legs are spread on the counter, Danneel positioned perfectly between them. Her pretty face is arched upward as Jensen’s hands rub delicate circles over the highs of her cheeks, tongue licking obscenely into her mouth several times before she sucks it in and Jensen moans like a whore in heat, hips arching up and into her frame and Jared thinks he might be sick.

 

He’s out of the kitchen and heading up the stairs before he even realizes he’s moving. He just needs a minute, a moment to collect, to make his head and his fucking heart remember that Jensen is  _not_  his, will never  _be_  his and he needs to just get the fuck over it.  _Now._

 

He stops just inside of Jensen’s bedroom, breath coming harsh and hollow as he tries to push the images of Jensen and Danneel out of his mind. He thinks of Sandy, but then he just feels guilt along with the searing knowledge that he’s royally  _fucked_  and he’s pacing now, hand pulling through his hair as he searches his mind and memories for something,  _anything_ to make this ache go away. Something strong enough to break through his drunken haze and break the spell the images have on him.

 

He still hasn’t found it when Jensen stumbles into the room a few moments later, confusion written on his flushed face. Jared jumps, surprised at Jensen’s noisy entrance and he turns, stares at Jensen wide-eyed.

 

“Why’d you leave, man? I thought we were gonna do shots,” Jensen says and his voice is low, confused and possibly hurt and it pisses Jared off that Jensen even  _dare_  be hurt after what he just made him sit through.

 

“Sorry,” he grits out and he can feel the frustration biting in his words, tries to reign it in but he can’t stop the edge to his voice when he continues, “Didn’t wanna interrupt your good time.”

 

He knows it’s the wrong thing to say the moment realization darkens Jensen’s bright eyes, sees the way his lips pull at the corners. “Oh, you didn’t,” Jensen says and his voice is even lower now, determined and Jared is taken aback by the sudden smirk on Jensen’s face, like he’s  _enjoying_  watching Jared squirm.

 

Jared gapes at him and can practically feel the tension pouring from his co-star as he stares back, eyes hooded, lips still tilted in a smirk that makes Jared’s blood run cold. “What the fuck, Jen? ‘D you do that on  _purpose_?” He can’t believe he’s even asking, can’t believe it’s a possibility Jensen would do something like that, in  _front_  of him, to  _hurt_  him.

 

“Nah, man. But ya know how it is…” Jensen waves a hand dismissively. “Gotta make ‘em feel  _loved_ , ya know.  _Wanted_.”

 

Jared sputters, tries to get out a word past the anger rising in his bones but Jensen just presses on, stepping closer, clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth. “You know how to do that, don’t ya, Jay? How to make ya girl feel  _wanted_. Like she’s the only one ya want?” Jared’s eyes go wide as Jensen takes the final step, closing the distance between them and tilting his chin just enough to look Jared straight in the eye. “Know how to  _lie_ , don’t ya, Jay? Lie with a fuckin’ diamon’ ring and a romantic, candle-lit dinner in Paris.”

 

He doesn’t realize what he’s done until Jensen is two feet away, hand rising to wipe away the blood under his nose, the blood he put there. He can feel the pulse of pain in his knuckles just barely under the thrum of adrenaline and anger and he clenches his jaw.

 

“Fuck you,” he says tightly and Jensen huffs a laugh as he stands up straight.

 

“No, thanks, man. I got Dani for that shit,” Jensen turns and starts for the door, never stopping as he speaks over his shoulder. “You can get the fuck out of my house now.”

 

Jared is in his truck and driving toward his hotel before the weight of everything hits him and he pulls over onto the shoulder as the tears begin. He punches the dash, reveling in the pain it causes and slumps over the wheel, his heart breaking into another thousand pieces for a love he doesn’t understand and will never have.

 

~*~

 

Jared goes to the Laker’s game with Sandy the next day but his head is still wrapped around the events of the night before. He can’t stop thinking about the vindictiveness of Jensen’s words, the hurt curdling around each word he used to step on Jared and break him. And he succeeded, completely. Jared can barely manage a look at Sandy without the guilt of the truth making him nauseous, can do nothing but smile tightly at her when she lays her head on his shoulder or reads him a text from her agent about a new audition.

 

He hates Jensen. He hates him because he wasn’t lying when he said Jared  _was_.

  
~*~

 

Filming is awkward on Monday, but Jensen stops him in the afternoon, pulls him aside during their lunch break and apologizes.

 

“I didn’t mean…” he starts but Jared cuts him off.

 

“Yeah, you did.”

 

Jensen slumps, shoulders, face, everything falling in shame and he won’t look Jared in the eye, but he nods. “Yeah… I did. But Jay, I am happy for you. I think…” Jensen takes a deep breath and looks up, meets Jared eyes and Jared can see the same sadness that’s always there when they speak of this, whenever they let themselves grow weak enough to voice its presence. “It’s good. For you. You deserve to be happy.”

 

Jared bites back the  _But I’m not happy. God, I’m so not fucking happy_  that wants to come tumbling out of him because he knows, he  _knows_  that even if he hadn’t proposed, they could never have what both of them want.

 

~*~

 

Time seems to fly by as they return to shooting on a regular schedule and Jensen is more withdrawn than normal, but Jared rationalizes it’s because Dean is so confused and scared. It’s easier to blame the avoidance on character bleed than it is to assign it to this mess between them.

 

When they fly to L.A. for the conference, Jensen seems to change miraculously during the flight and emerges at the meet-and-greet looking happy and content. Jared studies him, looks for signs that it’s a front and his heart trips on itself when his suspicions are confirmed, when he sees the way Jensen looks just a bit too long at a photo a fan presents, his eyes turning stormy and wistful before he catches himself, grins up at the girl and signs the page with his sharpie.

 

He understands why when the girl steps up to him, smile on her face as she hands him the picture. It’s been printed from a computer, he can tell, and it appears to be a photo taken from the Chicago Con Breakfast. Jensen is turned, looking at him, a smile on his face as Jared stares right back, grin large and happy.  _They_  look happy.

 

He isn’t surprised when Jensen heads back to his hotel room after they’re done, isn’t surprised when he doesn’t see him again until their flight the next morning.

 

~*~

 

He offers to let Jensen store his things at his house when he hears the news about the apartment Jensen’s had since  _Dark Angel_. He’s trying to make amends, trying to do something to right all of the wrongs they keep tripping and stumbling over as they try to do the right thing. Jensen reluctantly agrees and Cliff helps them move the boxes to Jared’s that weekend

 

The finale is hard, and Jared feels the strain almost as much as Jensen. They’ve just wrapped on the last scene of the finale, waiting for the director to give the a-okay for them to leave and Jared can’t stop thinking about the scene of Dean’s death, feels compelled to tell Jensen exactly  _how_  much he felt during filming.

 

“Jen… You remember how… How you thought about me during the finale last year?”

 

Jensen turns away from the screen of his PDA, looks at Jared curiously, obviously surprised that he’s mentioning the finale. They haven’t spoken of it since that day, or at least, not of  _that_  part. He nods and Jared turns, stares ahead blindly at the road before them.

 

“The other day, when you… When Dean died… I did the same thing.” He looks down, twines his fingers together to still their slight tremble. “Thought about if it was you… If I lost you.”

 

There’s silence for long moments, save for a lone bird sitting in the tree above them. When Jensen finally speaks, his voice is soft, a perfect hush to the quiet around them. “You’re not gonna lose me, Jay.”

 

Jared nods, can feel a year’s worth of agony and  _why_  and the dull ache of the forbidden searing inside him. “But I’ll never  _have_ you, either.” The words are choked, forced out around the lump in his throat and he closes his eyes, doesn’t want to see the confirmation of the truth that he knows he’ll see in Jensen’s eyes.

 

“’K, guys, you’re good to go!” a voice booms happily from the projector and Jared stands before the man has even finished speaking.

 

“Jay…” Jensen says his name and Jared knows he should stay, listen to Jensen like Jensen has listened to him but he can’t, he just  _can’t_ , and he focuses all of his energy on the purely physical act of not running as fast as he can to his trailer. Each step further from Jensen feels like the sealing of a fate, like failure.

 

~*~

 

Jared barely has time to think between leaving Vancouver and starting on the  _Friday_  set and he’s grateful for the distraction, grateful to have something to focus on other than his mess of emotions and it works. It works for three whole weeks, until Sandy flies down to Austin to see him.

 

He tries, makes it through two days before his head and his heart are screaming at him  _Liar Fraud_  and he can’t take the self-attack, knows Sandy doesn’t deserve this.

 

When he tells her that it’s over, she cocks her head to the side and regards him thoughtfully for a long time. The hairs on the back of Jared’s neck stand up, prickle under the scrutiny until she finally speaks, nodding her head slowly as if confirmation to him and herself. “I had a feeling this was coming.”

 

Her admittance does nothing to cleanse his soul and when she kisses him on the cheek, pressing her engagement ring into his palm, he closes his eyes and hates himself for ever taking advantage of someone who cared so much for him. She didn’t deserve this and he never deserved her, never deserves a chance at happiness like he could’ve had with her after everything he’s done.

 

When she says good-bye, he nods, unable to find his voice beneath the layers of self-loathing. When she’s gone, his hand reaches instinctively for his phone, thumb hovering over the “call” button with Jensen’s name on the screen and he stares at it for a long, conflicted moment before letting out a long sigh, folding his hand over the phone and shoving it back in his pocket.

 

~*~

 

_June 2008 – Dallas Con_

 

Jared sweats when he’s nervous and after all of the phone calls from his agent and publicist, the email from Eric about the rumors on the Supernatural sites, he’s extremely anxious to face the crowd of fans waiting for him.

 

Jim is on stage when he comes out, his presence supportive and strong, like the good man he is and Jared tries his best to act natural when he confirms that he and Sandy have split up. The general vibe of the room is tense and awkward but slowly, it fades into a semblance of previous conferences, but all the while, Jared feels Jensen’s absence like a smack in the face.

 

He’d cancelled on the conference just the day before, citing scheduling conflicts and Jared was not brave enough to call and see if it were true, not brave enough to ask if he’d cancelled because he didn’t want to see  _him._ He was pretty certain it really was the reason, and that was ever the more reason he couldn’t call Jensen to ask.

 

When he sees Alan and Donna Ackles, he feels something akin to relief wash over him and he hurries to them, arms reaching around Donna in a firm hug. He plays up their appearance, offers to buy Alan some Skittles and when Donna whispers to him that they’ll talk later, Jared simply nods and understands.

 

They have dinner that night in the seclusion of a no-name restaurant, just him and Donna and Jared feels like he’s going to claw out of his own skin.

 

“He called me, you know. After you made the announcement,” she says and her voice is soft, like a mother consoling her baby. Jared loves her so much in that moment that he has fight against the urge to thank her, just thank her for understanding, for knowing and still caring. “He didn’t know you two had split up.”

 

Jared nods, looks down shamefully at his untouched food. “I didn’t call him. He’s busy with the movie, and I just…” He shrugs, at a loss.

 

“Didn’t know how to tell him?” she urges and when Jared looks up and sees her soft smile, he feels that oh-so-familiar ache return. She looks so much like Jensen when she smiles.

 

“I… It doesn’t change anything,” he says and he wishes with all of his heart that he didn’t know it was the truth.

 

Donna sighs, puts her hand on his over the table and squeezes gently. “You know he loves you.”

 

Jared can feel as traitorous and honest tears well up in his eyes, spilling over his cheeks when he tries to blink them back. He shakes his head, doesn’t bother to wipe them away. “Not enough anymore,” he says and it’s merely a whisper but the reality of the words echoes loudly in his ears, the unfairness of it all turning him inside out once again and his eyes close tightly as he feels Donna squeeze his hand once more.

 

“Then maybe it’s time for a change, Jared.”

 

~*~

 

_Return to Vancouver – Fall 2008_

 

Jared is exhausted, mentally drained and physically fatigued. He spends the first three days in Vancouver in his room, leaving only to let the dogs out or grab something to eat that he can carry back to his room. Jensen will be back in town by the weekend and Jared’s head’s a mess as he stares at the boxes in his spare room.

 

Everything Jensen has in Canada is sitting right there, waiting to be moved again to another apartment or house and the idea makes Jared sick with want. He wants Jensen to stay. He wants  _Jensen_.

 

He turns Donna’s words around in his head over and over.  _Time for a change_. He doesn’t know if she means it’s time they moved on, which hasn’t worked out so well for them so far, or if it’s time to do  _something_ , time to act on what they have, what they’re feeling.

 

He thinks and thinks and thinks until his mind is so twisted he can’t manage a coherent thought, goes over every hurt and longing and abortive measure they’ve taken to protect themselves and then, he realizes something.

 

All of this time, they’ve kept away from each other to protect themselves; their careers, their reputations… And each and every time, they’ve failed. Each and every time, one or both of them breaks, and they both suffer from it. If they keep this up, this cycle of pretending to be okay and hurting each other, the time will come when neither of them can take anymore and they  _will_  lose each other. It won’t matter how much love is there.

 

Jared sits up from his spot on his bed and makes his way to his feet, hurrying downstairs and toward the spare room housing Jensen’s things. He can’t let them do this anymore. He refuses to lose Jensen, refuses to hurt either of them anymore and if it’s time for a change, he’s going to be the one to change them.

 

~*~

 

“Jared?” Jensen’s voice echoes from the foyer, the sound of keys clinking barely audible from Jared’s spot on the center of the spare room floor.

 

“In here!” he shouts and swallows down against the rising anxiousness, against the doubt bubbling in his gut. He has no idea how Jensen will react to this, but he’s made a decision,  _needs_  Jensen to understand how serious he is about this.

 

“Dude, Sadie’s…” Jensen’s voice trails off as he steps into the doorway, eyes widening in surprise as he takes in the changes in the room. “Jay, what the hell is this?” he asks finally, voice soft, scared.

 

Jared stands and follows Jensen’s eyes as he takes in the room, toward the bookshelves set up in the corner, Jensen’s things put away neatly. There’s a queen sized bed set up under the windows facing east, two nightstands on either side donned with pictures of Jensen’s family. Clothes are hung in the open closet, the rest put away in the tall chest to Jensen’s right.

 

Jared gives him a moment to take it all in before he sighs, crosses his arms about his chest and levels a determined gaze on Jensen. “I want you to stay,” he says and his voice shakes only a little against his resolve.

 

Jensen’s eyes blink, turn to catch on his and Jared can see the shock and confusion written on his face clear as day. “I know you think we can’t do this, Jen, but we  _can_ ,” he continues, taking a step forward and he doesn’t miss the quick flash of  _something_  in Jensen’s eyes before they close.

 

Jensen’s shaking his head. “Jay…” he starts but Jared cuts him off, takes the longest two steps of his life to close the distance between them and silences Jensen’s words with his mouth.

 

Jensen’s eyes open in surprise, but Jared doesn’t let him back away, wraps an arm around Jensen’s waist and  _pulls_  him closer. Jensen makes a sound, something so like the broken whimper from the night of filming over a year ago and so different as it morphs, changes into a needy moan as Jared feels strong hands mold on either side of his face.

 

Jensen kisses him back furiously, as if he’s trying to make Jared understand through taste and tongue everything he’s felt since this started and they stumble backwards, neither ceasing their desperate claim on the other as they fall to the bed, the new mattress giving way beneath them.

 

It’s intense and exhilarating, hands moving and touching, fingertips biting into flesh, marking and claiming as they speak the words of a thousand missed chances silently. Jared is lost in it, in Jensen, mind shut down except for the feeling of  _finally_ and _right_  that soars through him like fire in the sky.

 

“Stay,” Jared says, mouth hot against Jensen’s flushed skin, lips pressing against the stubble of his jaw.

 

“Jared…” Jensen’s protest dies into a moan as Jared bites down into the exposed flesh of his neck.

 

“I want you, Jen, and I don’t care who finds out, I don’t. I love you so fuckin’ much it’s killin’ me,” he confesses, feels his skin burn with the words, soul threatening to spill and scatter if he’s denied this again. He won’t survive it, he’s convinced.

 

Jensen is pressing against him, hands scrambling for purchase up and down Jared’s back, breath panting hot and wet against his shoulder. “Okay…” he pants and Jared closes his eyes against the onslaught of emotions rifling through him.

 

“Say it,” he demands, pulling away and staring down at Jensen’s blown dark eyes. “Say we can have this. That we’ll stop being so fuckin’ stupid and just… Please.”

 

Jensen bites his lip and Jared can see the hesitation there, wants to kiss it away but he  _needs_  Jensen to choose this, on his own. And then Jensen’s staring up at him, a grin tugging at the corners of his lips and Jared can’t help the smile forming on his own face as Jensen reaches up and buries his hand in Jared’s hair. “Okay,” he finally says and pulls Jared back, kisses him long and slow and gentle, hands never moving as Jared feels the last bit of his soul carry over to Jensen, joining with the parts he couldn’t help but give him over the last three years.

 

Things with Jensen have always been a bit… complicated. Jared knows they always will be, but as he feels Jensen’s hand move to press delicately over his heart, he knows that this time, the missteps they take in life won’t be as bad now that they’re steps they take together.

   
 _  
_


End file.
